One in six couples experience some form of infertility, so such issues are very common amongst those looking to grow their families – yet the subject still remains a real taboo in everyday discussion. If you’re not going through such issues yourself, but know that a friend or family member is, it can feel awkward and you’re likely not to know how best to manage the situation while remaining sensitive to it.
Having your friends tell you about their struggles at all suggests they trust you enough to think you’ll be supportive, whether or not you are or are planning to be a parent yourself. But how can you best reciprocate that trust, be an ally and show your support? We’ve listed a few of our suggestions below.
Read up on the subject
Infertility is a broad subject and no two people’s journey is the same, but there are lots of misconceptions around it. Brushing up and learning the basics will help you offer support in a more understanding way without regurgitating false information; and will allow you to correct others doing so, if and when you hear it. If your friend is in a position to go through the IVF process, it’s worth having a quick read on how it all works – because in truth, it can be very physically intrusive and emotionally difficult, and it’s critical not to recoil with shock when they discuss needles and treatment side-effects.
Make specific offers for help
It’s all too easy to say “if you need anything, let me know”, and we’re all guilty of saying exactly that to anyone going through tough times. While of course you need to let them know they can call on you for anything and you’ll do your best, making more specific offers for help will make it easier for them to accept the support. If they’ve been told they need to lose weight to receive conception support (a very common suggestion with the NHS’ ongoing focus on body weight), offer to exercise or cook with them; if they have lots of appointments to attend and need childcare for them, offer to watch over their other children; or if they’re likely to have to attend appointments alone, offer to go along even if it is just to sit in the waiting room.
Be sensitive with your speech
Dealing with someone in distress can be difficult, and many of us speak before we think in an attempt to soothe them. Don’t give unsolicited advice, as no two people’s fertility journey or needs will be same, so we can’t assume what works for one will work for another. In addition, it’s best not to assume that they can try other approaches and don’t frame them as ‘lucky’ for not having kids around. Being an ally to someone isn’t about making suggestions. Unless you’re their dedicated fertility specialist, you don’t know their specific fertility factors and need to offer passive support rather than proactive ‘solutions’. If you do catch yourself saying something inadvertently hurtful, apologise immediately. They’ll understand that you’re only human and don’t get it right all of the time.
Don’t dull your own life
If you’re pregnant, or a parent, you don’t need to avoid anything parenting or child related around others forever. While you wouldn’t be well advised to send unsolicited photos of your little darling to your mates experiencing fertility issues, you don’t need to act like they don’t exist at all. Draw a balance between sharing your own life and hiding it completely – stay sensitive and not too OTT, but don’t overcompensate. Although it can be upsetting for those struggling to conceive to be around children, they do still understand they exist!
Advocate
Infertility is still rarely spoken about openly and accessibility to treatment is often at the mercy of geographic location and little else. Speaking up in support of fertility support charities, educate yourself on the challenges faced by those struggling and attend events where possible. National Infertility Awareness Week takes place annually in April and sharing posts on social media or fundraising for relevant causes at this time is a great place to start. Show your friends you do really care about these issues by putting your time and money where your mouth is, if and when you can.
Infertility is awkward and upsetting and difficult to discuss. Yet tackling it together can help ease the emotional burden – so don’t be afraid to become an ally, advocate for better and be the best friend you possibly can be.
