From a young age, our children become experts at knowing exactly which buttons to push to get our blood boiling.
They take great pleasure in testing our limits and tipping us over the edge, making it almost impossible for us to be able to keep a lid on our anger, often resulting in us yelling. However, as much as they may test our patience, it’s vital that we try and stay calm and avoid losing our temper as much as possible.
Although it may be a natural reaction when our kids misbehave, yelling isn’t an effective method of communication to get a child to listen. Yelling at a child can scare them and prevent them from learning that what they’re doing is wrong. They will also then think it’s okay to yell at others as a way of communication.
Additionally, the more we yell, the less impact it will have on our kids. It may be tough but try and refrain from yelling until it’s really needed – like when your child is in danger and you need to get their attention.
While yelling may seem like a satisfying release of anger at the time, it doesn’t make us feel better in the long term, it can make us feel even more stressed, but rarely solves anything.
Positive parenting
Positive parenting is about focusing on a child’s strengths, rather than trying to correct their weaknesses. It’s an approach that was developed in the early 1900s by Austrian psychologist, Alfred Alder. He believed that when children are in a responsive and interactive environment, they’re less likely to misbehave.
It can be all too easy to ‘nit-pick’ at our children’s weaknesses and things they do wrong. After all, it’s only natural that we want them to succeed and do the best they can. By shifting our focus to our child’s strengths, we can override the negative bias.
Children also need boundaries to feel secure, and part of the positive parenting approach is to set some rules as a family. These could include:
– We always say please and thank you when we ask for things
– Bedtime is 7pm
– We don’t talk over each other
– We share toys
These rules may change or evolve as your child grows older, but it’s crucial that they know what is expected of them.
If they break one of the family rules, don’t go in all guns blazing. Instead, get their side of the story and give it a fair hearing. It’s our job as parents to be an ally and help our children find a positive solution to whatever problem they have.
Talking to your child in a positive manner can also make an impact. By simply rephasing how we say something, we can have a positive effect on our children. For instance, instead of saying “don’t leave your toys all over the floor”, say “please tidy your toys away”.
Children find it hard to control their emotions and express their feelings, which is why they’ll often start yelling first. As parents, we need to lead by example and avoid raising our voice to reach their noise levels. If your child is yelling, let them get their frustrations out and try not to talk over them or raise your voice to reach theirs and try to be patient.
Top tips to avoid yelling at your child
If you feel yourself getting frustrated, take action to avoid yelling.
Give yourself a time out and use this time to step away from whatever situation is causing you to lose your temper. Count to 10 and breathe slowly and deeply.
A good technique, which is also useful to teach children when they lose control of their emotions, is to slowly run one finger up and down the fingers on the other hand, breathing in when you go up to the tip of a finger and breathing out when you run your finger down the other side.
Give your child a fair warning if you feel your frustrations rising. Tell them that you’re starting to get angry and let them know what they need to do fix the situation. For example, you could say: “I’m starting to lose my temper and I don’t want to yell at you. Please put your pyjamas on now.”
Just as we often ask our kids how they are or why they’re behaving in a certain way, it’s important to check in with ourselves and ask why we feel a particular way.
Similarly, we always want our child to open-up and talk to us about what might be bothering or worrying them. So, now it’s our turn to talk. Chat to your partner, a friend or your GP about how you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling.
