Does this situation ring a bell? You’ve told your teenage child that they can’t go out with their friends one weekend and the result is a major argument, where you both say things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. The tension in the home is high and they become argumentative and moody. After times like these, it can feel like your teen hates you.
Often, transitions like these seem to occur suddenly, almost out of nowhere. You may feel like you have a strong connection with them one moment, and then find yourself questioning what you did wrong the next. Whenever they don’t get their way, they suddenly ignore your advice or call you a bad parent.
Often, the only time you feel useful is when they need something, leaving you feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. But don’t worry; this situation is very common between parents and teenagers. So, what’s happening here and why do teenagers often see their parents as an enemy?
What happens to your child when they become a teen?
Growing up is challenging. Conflict and intense feelings characterise the preteen and teenage years. Kids who were once carefree and loving may start to feel resentment and irritation at still being treated like a child as early as the age of nine.
- A flood of new hormones.
Hormones have traditionally been believed to play a significant role in this transition, and this is partly true. Hormonal fluctuations are a constant battle we face as grownups, but by the time we’ve reached adulthood, we’re emotionally mature enough to handle them. However, young teens have not. They experience many new feelings and aren’t always able to control their emotional responses.
- A developing prefrontal cortex.
It is not until the mid-20s that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain located behind the forehead that is in charge of judgement, understanding outcomes and consequences, and controlling impulses and emotions, reaches full maturity. This part of the brain is to blame if your adolescent acts impulsively, has mood swings, and makes such poor choices that you are constantly surprised.
The nucleus accumbens, responsible for the reward and pleasure responses, is well-developed during adolescence, while the prefrontal cortex is still developing. The outcome? Lack of concern for the potential adverse consequences of one’s actions.
How to re-engage with your teen when they shut you out?
Parents, when shut out by their teens, often react in one of two ways:
A) Interrogation-attack:
Parents repeatedly ask the question, “What is the problem?” out of concern, anger, or a feeling of helplessness. But, the more intrusive parents are, the more elusive kids become, leading to increased questioning from parents and avoidance by teens. As a result, the gap between parent and adolescent widens.
B) Passive dismissal
Parents sometimes give up after several fruitless efforts at communication. The risk is that kids may interpret their parents’ lack of involvement in their lives as a lack of care, which will further encourage them to engage in risky and harmful behaviour. Again, the gap between parents and teens widens.
The solution? Have ‘off-duty time’ with your child
To overcome these parent-teen divides, we must embrace a completely new method of communication, one that is ironically “un-parenty.” Once a week, parents should devote at least one hour of their time to focusing only on their teen kids, free from any other responsibilities or distractions.
Parents who have painstakingly carved out this kind of weekly time say that their damaged relationships are being repaired with better mutual understanding and love, more incredible lightness of spirit, more honest interactions, and less conflict.
How does it work?
Introduce the notion of spending an hour or two each week with your adolescents to do anything they choose.
Then, wow your teenagers by really doing it: being with them in a low-key, non-directive manner and ‘following’ their linguistic and physical cues. Try to be totally present, carefree, and warmly accessible. Yes, this will be strange. But try to get into the attitude of playfulness that you used to have when they were small. No questioning, guiding, or covertly inquiring in any way. When your teen gets wind of your manipulative intentions, they could immediately cut you off.
Top tips and tricks
Here are some tips for navigating the new terrain:
Listen.
Recognise how stressful schoolwork may be.
Always make sure to ask about your kid’s day.
Attend their events.
Invite your teen and a couple of their mates to a dinner party.
Allow them to bring a buddy with them on family activities or vacations.
Hang out and enjoy a movie or a TV show.
Give a new activity a go as a duo.
Ask your teen to teach you something.
Purchase tickets to a game so that you may all attend together.
Participate in a volunteer effort together.
Try to avoid comparing them with close relatives and siblings.
In simple terms, just keep reminding them how special they are!
